weeks of goodbyes

These past few weeks have been a big part of the transition or direction that my life has taken.  though it has been very growing, it has also been very saddening.  I find that as I have been traveling, I have been having a lot of goodbyes.  they say that you shouldn't say goodbye, as it is too permanent.....they say you should say "see you later".  this is great in theory, but it does not change the fact that I am leaving the presence of someone and that that movement creates emotions...no matter how you spin it. 

In January I said goodbye to everything I know and ventured off into the wild blue yonder.  the goodbyes I have had since then have been more with new friends, which is a little easier as that emotional bond is not as strong as with old friends and ones you love.  I know I will be having a lot of these goodbyes in the future.

Over the last couple months I have had to say good bye to Collette, whom I have been with for almost 2 years and also to her dog John, which just made me miss my dog Batman even worse. 

I had to say goodbye to Judy, who became a close friend and taught me more about our lives and God's roll in them. 

I had to say good bye to my little brother Mike, whom I had not seen in sometime and likely will not see again soon.  though he works too much, our time together was enjoyed doing what we do...concrete.  this is just how the Cooks roll. 

I had to say goodbye to my tools in Houston.  this was a hard goodbye for me because I loved my tools very much!  They have always been there for me.

 I had to say goodbye to an old friend Linda, and to her new love Vic, after not seeing her for 7 years, and knowing it may be that long again.

 I had to say good bye to a friend from high school, who just happened to live near Phoenix and I had not seen in 23 years and found me on Facebook....three hours was just not enough time to catch up and then say goodbye.

 I had to say good bye to my friends in Phoenix...Jim and Brandon....and all the others I met and those I didn't even get a chance to see.  Don't know when I will get back to Phoenix.  I can only hope to see them at the conferences or WOC.

I had to say goodbye a second time to Judy.  This time she gave of her food, her beer, her home, her Xowii, her couch and spare bedroom and all her music.  She gave me the gift of a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and another Aqurian who thinks like I do. She gave of her heart, to help mend mine.  She truly gave me the gift of Joy and a true friend.

I had to say goodbye to Weiser and Mia.  After now having seen 8 Below, I feel like I understand Mia a little more, and knowing that Weiser was not long for this world, made saying goodbye to him harder, as it was really a goodbye.

Saying goodbye to Collette for a second time was harder than the last time because the feelings were different and this time I won't see her again, maybe for a long time.  We spent a day at the Grand Canyon, both for the first time, and for the first time as friends.  I am still a little confused, for my own reasons, as to why people are the way they are, but I have learned from Collette that we can not be mad at someone for being who they are, or get madder that we can not change them.  Love exists where there is no judgment. this is pure love.  It is not easy have it ...and hold it.  To do so means you have to truly let go of self.  To just.....be.....and let be.  I am working hard at being this person in my life, to be able to just let go.   FUCK...it is not easy.  Collette showed me, maybe unknowingly, that true beauty is not seen, it is felt.  And true beauty is love, and to feel it, you have to stop looking.  Collette gave me the ability to feel that love, but I am human and could not hold on.

I had to say goodbye to John, Collette's German Shepard.  He has become a friend to me like no other dog, even my best bud Batman.  Even though John knew mom was the boss, he gave me a position of alpha in his pak, but still let me know when I was crossing a line.  We became very good friend.  I think it was hardest saying goodbye to him, as he knows I am not there again and will continue to look out the window each time he hears motorcycle thinking it might be me.  Interestingly enough, he won't sit around and sulk about missing me, he will grab a ball and go play...and live in the moment.  The goodbye is gone and over.  Noe there is a ball in front of me, time to play ball.  When he hears that motorcycle again, he will be excited thinking it is me.  when it is not....he will play with the ball again, not sulk that it was not me again.   I will miss him the most, knowing that he does not miss me but lives in the moment of joy every time he thinks it's me.

Later today I say goodbye to Lynda and Whalen, who have opened their home to me more than once and have become close friends.  they shared with me the beauty of friendship and the opportunity to see the beauty of this world of ours.  I am thankful that I will get to see them again soon, if things work out.

We as humans could learn alot from our animals.  One day I will be able to live fully with that joy that all dogs find in each moment.  To live fully in that moment, not in the future that goodbyes bring, or in the past where everything exists as a goodbye. but in that moment.  that pure moment of joy.  every goodbye is a moment of joy, because I am with that person at that moment. 

Today I begin my life of moments. (wow, that is going to be a big journal)  I will judge no one.  I will NOT judge myself.  If I fail, I will move on to the next moment.  That which is done is done, and I will not live in the past.  I will live each moment without regret and to the fullest for the moment that it is.  I will do this for me, to share with others.

Namaste